


As I Hesitated, Time Rushed Onwards Without Me

by merry_magpie



Category: Grosse Point Blank (1997), Merlin (BBC)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Crossover, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-17
Updated: 2010-08-17
Packaged: 2017-10-11 03:35:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/107896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merry_magpie/pseuds/merry_magpie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Camelot is hosting peace negotiations between two countries torn apart by magic. Why does Merlin choose now to come back, after he ran away five years ago?</p>
            </blockquote>





	As I Hesitated, Time Rushed Onwards Without Me

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Reel Merlin challenge on LJ. Film Prompt: Grosse Pointe Blank

Merlin removed the dagger from the man's chest and watched as his target slumped to the ground over his shield, his hand futilely moved to stop the blood welling up from his wound. The minor lord he had been sent to kill fell back into the mud, the blood indistinguishable from the wet ground in the gloom of the night. Merlin did not have to check if he was dead; the kill was clean and quick enough.

He walked out of the town to his horse. While he unhitched the reigns, gently stroking the nose of his gelding, he thought about the unending war and the price paid on all sides. He could not help but think how different his life would have been if he stayed in Camelot. He had never been sure if it had been the right choice to make although at the time it felt like the only way to regain his sanity and his independence. But now, five years later, he wondered if all he did was change one type of bondage for another.

\--

When he returned from his assignment Grocer looked very well pleased. He was standing behind his large oak desk, leafing through a book, more to look important and busy then any business reason, Merlin assumed. "Good to see you back so soon. It's done?" Merlin bowed his head slightly, his mouth a thin line. "Brrr. You are cold-blooded, my little hawkling. Just like I like."

He tried not to roll his eyes. Grocer had a tendency to see what he wanted in other people, and in Merlin he saw only a cold-blooded bodyguard and assassin. Although, Merlin admitted to himself, he gave Grocer little reason to believe anything else of him.

"I've got good news for you, Merlin." Grocer continued as Merlin stood at attention across the desk from his Lord. "I just received word the King is willing to enter negotiations with Kerrera." Merlin could not understand why Grocer would consider that good news, considering it meant his two best customers were suing for peace. Merlin was happy enough to hear it. Kerrera was the enemy he had fought for years in the army, and one more land Lord Grocer supplied with weapons, both mundane and magical. While he had escaped the destruction of the frontlines, Merlin knew the war had to end soon or it would envelop all of Albion. Grocer was clearly waiting for Merlin to say something. He seemed to enjoying pretending Merlin and he were friends of a sort – not equals, never equals, but that perhaps Merlin had some sort of special affection for Grocer, something akin to the odd, jovial affection Grocer seemed to have for Merlin.

While he was never overly fond of politics, Merlin considered his response carefully. "I don't see what that has to do with me, precisely. Not that I won't be glad to see the war end." Merlin said finally.

"You wouldn't." Grocer said, cutting through Merlin's thoughts. "You don't think of the larger context of your actions." Grocer smiled, and it reminded Merlin of the green slime that skims across the top of fetid water "It makes you all the more precious as my servant. You don't think, you just follow orders." There was a time, Merlin reflected, when he did question the orders he received, but he found now that he was too weary of politics, death, and war to care anymore. It was a new philosophy for him, but it benefited his pocketbook and lent a certain stability, if not exactly happiness, to his life. "I for one," Grocer continued on, pulling at his doublet and starting into what sounded like a well-rehearsed speech, "will be glad for a peace in our kingdom. The people, nay, the very land, is tired from this ordeal we have all been through." Grocer puffed himself up, his stance belying the humility in his voice. "As his loyal servant, of course, you'll find I support our king." That's all very well, Merlin thought, but you are the person who has benefited most from the ruination of our land. Certainly, our King knows this as well. Grocer interrupted Merlin's thoughts. "Which is why, I and my household, which includes you, Hawkling, will be accompanying our Lord and King to the peace negotiations. In his wisdom our King has decided upon the kingdom of Camelot, as neutral ground to discuss peace with King Gylen."

Merlin stood there for a moment, dumbfounded. That Grocer was being a pompous arse was no surprise, but the peace talks happening in Camelot was the last thing he expected. "Camelot?" Merlin asked, his voice threatening to break. Was he thrice cursed at birth?

"Yes," Grocer said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "That backward kingdom. Centred says that because of their ban on magic, the devastation wrecked on the battlefields by our sorcerers and theirs will not threaten either side there." Sorcerers and magic had destroyed much of the land, rending the earth below and tearing the skies apart above the armies of both kingdoms. Sorcerers were treated as demi-gods in their own armies, but when captured were subjected to the worst tortures and most gruesome deaths. Merlin hated to think of what would have happened to him if he was still on the battlefield now. When the sorcerers battled, even when there was no evidence of battle to be seen or heard from where he stood, he could feel their magic calling to his own, asking him to join in the battle. It made his magic sing and his heart sick.

"Why must my Lord go to these negotiations?" Merlin asked, hoping Grocer had little interest and could be talked out of the journey. Merlin could not face Arthur or anyone else in Camelot.

"I asked to go." Grocer said closing the record book he had been pretending to read. He waved his hand in dismissal and Merlin left him for his own humble chambers on the first floor of the manor.

\--

The journey to Camelot was quicker than Merlin remembered, but the last time he walked these roads he had been fleeing Camelot with a heavy heart, cursing his destiny.

The arrival of King Centred and his massive retinue was announced by fanfare, echoing in the streets of the city all they way up to the castle walls. It had only been five years, but Camelot looked both different and much the same. The slope of the hill beneath his gelding was the same he remembered from rides with Arthur, the streets and the buildings were the same. Yet, what could change had changed: different wares were sold from different merchants in new shops and different children ran around the side streets. It was a reminder that he had left Camelot too long ago to easily return to what he remembered. In his most desperate fantasies he had imagined many returns to Camelot. Some ended in the dungeon, most ended in Arthur's bed, but never had he imagined returning under the current circumstances.

When the party neared the castle, he looked up to the inner Castle wall where Uther and Arthur usually watched noble visitors enter the city. He was not surprised to see them there today. Arthur was dressed in a new dark blue jacket. He did not look that much changed from when Merlin had last seen him, but Merlin knew that looks were deceiving. Merlin did not look much different, but he was not the same boy who had fled Camelot in love with his master and fearing what that meant about his destiny.

He didn't think that Arthur would be able to see him from his place high on the wall, but while Merlin was watching him he was sure he saw recognition on Arthur's face. He was glad to pass under the stone arch and away from his former master's gaze.

\--

Merlin spent the afternoon preparing Lord Grocer's chambers and settling himself into his space in the room made up for the visiting Lord's servants. He had gathered the Lord's traveling clothes and his own to drop at the castle's laundry. His arms were full with the bundle of clothes when he literally ran into Gwen.

She knelt down to help him pick up the laundry bundles he had dropped upon running into her, and her attention must have been focused on making amends because she did not recognize him right away. "Oh, my. I'm so sorry. Let me help you pick up those clothes." She trailed off. "Merlin? Merlin is that you?" She asked as she grabbed his face, and looked at him closely as if he would be someone different upon inspection. "Oh, it really is you. You're back." And her face broke into a large open smile before she pulled him into a hug. She stayed like that a few moments before she pulled away, looking bashfully down the hallway to see if anyone saw her behavior. "Arthur will be." She stopped. "Does he even know you're here?" She didn't stop to wait for him to answer. "Well he'll probably be angry at first, but I'm sure he'll be happy to see you in the end."

At first, all Merlin could get out was a wheeze as emotions he had forced himself to forget robbed his lungs of air. He took a deep breath, reminding himself that Gwen was no one to be afraid of and he would be leaving Camelot soon enough, regardless. He managed to say, after a few moments. "It's good to see you Gwen."

He finished gathering the spilled clothes into their proper bundles while she said, "If you're going to the laundry, I'll walk with you." He wanted to refuse her offer, but, seeing only friendship in her gaze, he relented. He marveled at the fact that, after running away as he did, he could find companionship inside the walls of Camelot.

They chatted pleasantly enough while walking through the servant's hallways. He was so busy listening to her conversation and trying not to share any of his recent past that he almost walked into her again when she stopped abruptly outside Arthur's chambers. Merlin could not imagine what she wanted from him when he realized where he was.

"It sneaked up on you, didn't it?" She said gesturing to the doors. "I mean, Arthur's rooms, you practically lived here before you left." She looked oddly hopeful.

"It really wasn't a surprise." He said. Gwen looked crestfallen. "I mean, I was his manservant. I knew where we were walking the whole time."

"Oh." She looked disappointed, as if the sight of the doors to Arthur's rooms were supposed to surprise some great emotional response from him.

Holding up his arms, still full of Grocer's laundry, he said, "I'm sorry Gwen. I'd love to chat and catch up more, but I've got tons of duties to attend to before my Lord attends the feast this evening." He reminded himself that he did not have to flee from a friend, but it did nothing to slow down his feet.

\--

That afternoon Merlin tried unsuccessfully to convince Grocer that he really did not need to attend the first night of feasting. Officially, Merlin was here as Grocer's manservant and bodyguard. Unofficially, Merlin presumed, he was also there as Grocer's assassin, but he did not want to think why his Lord might have need of those talents while at peace talks. Grocer argued that his presence was necessary in this political climate which could be rife with intrigue and violence. Merlin asked why there would be violence at peace talks so desperately needed by both kingdoms, but one glare from Grocer shut him up.

He dressed in his nicest clothes, black from head to toe in form-fitting leather and rich silks. It was not his preference but Grocer liked the way it made Merlin, who was taller than most men, appear more imposing and threatening. Merlin never thought he would ever look back on the ridiculous clothes Arthur had dressed him in for feasts with fondness, but he did every time he caught his reflection now. At least his role at the feast would be easy one – he was there to stand by Grocer and look menacing, letting the servants of Camelot attend to Grocer's needs at the feast.

For most of the night, during the courses of the feast and the long speeches, he did as he was ordered, listening into the conversations Grocer had with the other attendees and scanning the room for any danger to his master. He did not know why Grocer seemed so pleased with the evening; by all rights he should be furious that his business was about to dry up. Merlin was not one to question his good fortune – when Grocer was in a good mood, it made Merlin's life easier. He was so intent on scanning the room for danger he barely noticed when Morgana, with Gwen following closely behind her, came up to talk to Grocer.

"Lady Morgana." Grocer addressed her, bending into a low bow over her outstretched hand. "You are even more beautiful than the rumors have led me to believe. It truly is a pleasure to meet you." While he bowed over her hand, she regarded him with momentary disgust before looking at Merlin with questions dancing in her eyes. Thankfully, Grocer came up from his bow and occupied Morgana's attention for several minutes until she finally broke his monologue to ask, "Everyone here is wondering about your manservant. He looks so striking at your side. Where ever did you find him?"

Grocer smirked at him and Merlin knew he would hear about how perfect his clothes were from Grocer for the rest of forever. "He's not only my manservant, but my bodyguard, as well. We small nobles must mind our budgets more closely than the King of Camelot. We simply must have servants skilled in a number of tasks. While a manservant is a luxury indeed, Merlin's skills as a bodyguard are a necessity in these dangerous times." He smiled and leaned forward towards Morgana as if to share a secret. "It is the sad truth of our kingdom, and one which I hope changes with these talks."

Morgana cut him off with a wave. "Yes, but where did you find him?" She asked again.

"I found him working his way up the ranks of the common soldier's in King Centred's army. He's an absolutely ruthless killer, which in these times is such a boon." Grocer smiled at Merlin as if he was a beautifully honed and polished knife, which, he supposed, was all he was in the grand scheme of his life with Grocer.

Grocer's eyes were not on Gwen, so she was freer to show her shock. She looked at him with pity and sadness he did not want from her or anyone. Morgana was more difficult to read as she was still pretending to listen to Grocer talk about how important creating the peace was for his kingdom and how happy he was for King Uther to be hosting these discussions, but he felt she would be feeling much the same.

Politeness and politics dictated that Morgana circulate through each King's retinue. Presently, she disengaged and left with Gwen following in her wake. It was only after the encounter that Merlin realized that identifying potential threats was only an excuse – he was avoiding searching out the people he had known from his last stay in Camelot.

Determined to be less cowardly, he sought out and found Gaius who at that moment was looking at him with more curiosity then he expected. Gaius was the only person Merlin had told when he was leaving. He had let Gaius believe it was because he was afraid of being uncovered as a magic user. Worse, Gaius had always been the one person in Camelot Merlin could be honest with. Merlin made a promise to search him out at some point while he was visiting.

The next person he found was Uther. The man still featured in his nightmares and Merlin quickly looked away, deciding once again that he was best off away from the rule of that tyrant.

Finally, he caught the eyes of the man he had been avoiding all night: Arthur.

When their eyes met, Merlin glanced away, hoping Arthur would stay where he was across the hall from where Merlin stood. Arthur broke away from the conversation he was having and walked over to Lord Grocer. Arthur nodded at Grocer and said, "Lord Grocer, I am happy to see you at these meetings." Arthur looked anything but pleased, Merlin noted, but Grocer was long used to people only tolerating his presence. He was too politically important for people to shun him even if they did not like him.

Grocer bowed low. "Your Highness. I am happy to please such a generous host with my attendance."

"Such humility." Arthur said, mocking Grocer with his voice.

"I only hope these meetings bring a long and lasting peace between our two kingdoms." Grocer said, with sycophantic glee.

"That's a fine sentiment, especially for a lord who has made such a fine profit from supplying both sides of the war." Arthur said, and Merlin was surprised to hear that those in Camelot knew of Grocer's involvement in the war. Arthur had been doing his homework and Merlin felt a swell of pride for his old master. Arthur glanced at Merlin. "You've brought with you quite the mystery man as well. He has been the talk of the feast."

"So I've heard." Grocer laughed. To a person not close to Grocer, it might sound jovial, but Merlin heard a note of malice in it. Grocer was not pleased Merlin was such a curiosity to two nobles in Uther's court. "This is my bodyguard, Merlin." His eyes slid sideways towards Merlin. "It does seem that many people are asking questions about him." The last was aimed at Merlin and he knew Grocer would be asking uncomfortable questions later, questions he had been hoping to avoid.

Merlin stared blankly ahead, deciding that ignoring them was both still allowed under protocol and the best choice he could make at the moment.

"Merlin. Merlin. The name seems familiar." Arthur said, one hand holding his chin as if in deep thought. "Oh, yes, there was a Merlin who used to work in Camelot. Just a few years ago." He smacked his forehead. "Oh, that's right. He was my manservant." Grocer looked over at Merlin, his eyes darkly furious, but Arthur kept on going. "How are you, Merlin?" He asked as if he were meeting Merlin again after a few days absence. "See you've moved down in the world, though your clothes have gotten better." He turned to Grocer. "I never could get him to dress appropriately to his station, I'm glad to see someone has managed." Arthur fixed Grocer with a polite gaze. "It's funny, thought. The last time I saw him, he could barely keep himself from tripping over his own two feet, and I can't imagine that he's worth the price of employ as a bodyguard."

"Arthur, please." Merlin said firmly as he dared in front of an audience, finally breaking his silence and looking the Prince in the eyes.

"You do not have the right to call me that anymore, Merlin." Arthur said.

"Yes, Sire." Merlin said, bowing his head. Merlin prayed Arthur would not continue his public tirade, knowing if he did, everyone around them would hear his outburst and the damage done to his relationship with Grocer could be dangerous. At that same moment, Merlin felt the tingle of magic coming from somewhere in the room. With no time to think, he knocked into Arthur, shoving him to the ground as magical and physical shrapnel flew through the air.

Merlin fell on top of Arthur and lay there blinking at him for a moment, staring into the eyes of the man he had loved and run away from. Arthur recovered first shoved him off onto the ground. "Get off of me." Arthur stood up, brushing his clothes off, saying, "You do not have the right to touch me any- " There was a long piece of metal shrapnel covered in a sticky magical film buried in the wooden table behind where Arthur had been standing. If Merlin had not knocked him down it would have been buried in Arthur's chest.

Grocer, who was crouched on the floor next to Merlin boxed him in the ear and whispered loud enough for Arthur to react. "You are my bodyguard; you are supposed to protect me."

"Yes, sir." Was all Merlin could get out before Grocer was up and talking loudly about how good it was that the Prince was talking to him as his bodyguard managed to save the Prince's life.

The rest of the room was in chaos, pieces of shrapnel everywhere. Merlin looked around at where all the shards had landed and felt sick that the same magic that was destroying the land elsewhere in Albion was here in Camelot. He wrapped his hand in a handkerchief and picked up a piece that lay on the ground near him. It was covered in a sickly, pearlescent film, evidence of the deadly spell used to create the explosion. "Magic," he whispered to himself. Arthur looked over at him briefly, a surprised look on his face like he wanted to say something to Merlin. Instead, he walked over to his father and the two visiting kings.

King Centred was bleeding from the arm and some of the minor nobles in attendance were also wounded. A few people were slumped on the ground in a way that suggested to Merlin, after a few years on a battlefield, that they were never going to recover from their wounds. Grocer told him he had the rest of the night off, and Merlin protested that there still could be more attacks, but Grocer waved him off. With nothing else to do, Merlin helped Gaius check the bodies before they were carted off to the infirmary. He could hear Grocer bragging to whoever would listen about Merlin saving Arthur's life. Each time he repeated the story, Arthur glared just a little harder at Merlin while Merlin tried to ignore the both of them.

\--

Merlin worked silently with Gaius until he could hear birds chirping and realized that the sun was rising. He excused himself from the physician's quarters and went back to Grocer's room, knowing Grocer would want to talk to him about Arthur's revelations from the night before. Grocer seemed to be in a good mood even though Uther was raging about the use of magic within his kingdom, and the two other kings were accusing each other of the attack.

Grocer made Merlin confess to being Arthur's manservant before the war had started.

"It was five years ago, I was surprised he even remembered me."

"Still, he seemed uncommonly fond. And you did call him Arthur. I imagine there is a history between you two. Yes?"

"He is an arrogant prat." Merlin lowered his voice. "And I am a sorcerer, a traitor to everything Camelot believes."

"Yes, but you were close?"

"Close enough for a servant and master." Merlin said, eliding his relationship with Arthur.

"Yes, close enough." Grocer said, clearly mulling the new information over. Merlin was dismissed to catch what sleep he could.

\--

The next day, with the negotiations still stalled, Grocer gave Merlin the day to himself, telling him that he was free to wander the castle on his own. Merlin spent the morning wandering around the town, wondering when, exactly, he had become nostalgic for the stocks. He tried to shake his wistfulness away, but found it again every time he turned a corner twisting in down in the streets of the lower town.

 

Feeling at lost ends, he wandered to Gaius' chambers. He expected to find the man as he had left Gaius that morning – waist-deep in wounded patients from last night's attack. Upon seeing him, Gaius asked him to come in and started bustling around the room to make tea. Merlin wandered around the room, looking at the glass vials filled with tinctures and extracts catching light in the sun. Gaius cleared a place at his worktable and sat two cups of tea down, one in front of him and one for Merlin. He sat down and Merlin followed suit, trying to get comfortable. "Where'd everyone go?"

"All the injured were high-ranking officials in the other courts." Gaius harrumphed a bit. "They have their own traveling physicians with them, and since suspicion is running high, they're tending to their own. I'm sure they know what they are doing." Merlin smiled, knowing that the nobles who did without Gaius' support were leaving their health in much less skilled hands. Especially in a kingdom where magical healing was banned.

The two men sat and sipped tea for a bit, but Merlin quickly found he was nervous in the seat Gaius had given him – his back was to the door. After several jittery minutes he finally took his teacup and leaned against a high table stacked with books, facing both Gaius and the door. Watching Merlin fidgeting, Gaius finally asked, "Where have you been, Merlin?"

Merlin sighed and ran his free hand down through his hair and over his face. He had not told anyone the truth in so long. Even Gaius only knew part of the reason he had left in the first place. Finding a sudden need to unburden his soul, he spoke. "You know I had to get away from Camelot. For a lot of good reasons." He said vaguely waving the air to signify that which he still could not quite name in Camelot, and masking his other reasons for leaving, of which Gaius knew nothing. "I went home, to Ealdor and I worked with Mum, bringing in the harvest. It was good. I needed it. But that was when the war between Centred and Gylen was starting and a passing battalion conscripted me there in my Mum's fields. They took me to my first battle, gave me a pike, and told me to kill the enemy." Merlin stared off into the middle distance, remembering those first few frightening weeks of chaos. "Arthur turned out to be a better teacher than I ever let him know, because along with my magic, I survived on those skills." Merlin let out a bitter laugh as he remembered his reputation, earned after surviving many battles, as a good fighter. "I got used to the killing, I guess. And I got good at it too, even without my magic.

"My reputation grew. One day Lord Grocer was visiting Centred's side and saw me fight off an attempted assassin. I gutted the man there in front of him, and he bought me from the military to be his bodyguard. I've been in his employ ever since." He knelt down in front of Gaius, hoping he would understand that Merlin now, was not the same as the man who had fled Camelot. What he had been able to offer Arthur before, a naïve trust and hope for a better future, was gone. Excising those qualities had left Merlin to his own ruthlessness, a quality that he had not even been able to name until he was forced to rely on it every day on the battlefield and later as it was exalted in Grocer's household.

Gaius gently patted Merlin's head and looked him in the eyes. "I should never have let you go," was all he said, and even though Gaius' eyes were a mix of fear and sorrow, Merlin felt a hope for something unnamable uncurl in his belly.

"I had to go, I had to get away from Arthur, from Camelot." Merlin said, pleading to Gaius to understand so that there was someone he could talk to. Being honest with Gaius had been one of the few luxuries he had in his past here, and he wanted it again.

Instead of granting the forgiveness Merlin wanted he said, "I saw you and Arthur at the feast. He seemed angry." He paused, gazing into the past, before he turned back to Merlin. "He certainly missed you in your absence. When you first left he spent the better part of the first month looking for you, and when he was not out, asking me where you went. I think he knew that you would be at your mother's but he could not risk traveling into another kingdom already starting a war, it would have been dangerous for Camelot."

"He did?" Merlin said, honestly astonished at the depths which Arthur had tried to recover Merlin. He imagined Arthur would feel mad and betrayed, but not that he would want Merlin back after his leaving like that.

"Of course he did, Merlin. It was no secret amongst those that knew you both, that he loved you as much as you loved him. It's not as if you forgot about him, did you?"

"Never. I think I dreamt about him every night."

Gaius smiled sadly at Merlin. "My boy, obviously you have been through more than even your worst enemy could have wished upon you. Why don't you try not killing anyone for a few days while you are safe in Camelot's walls and try talking to Arthur. See if that can help you."

\--

After his conversation with Gaius, Merlin walked around in a daze. Gaius made everything seem so, but how could Merlin stop killing when it was his livelihood? How could he talk to Arthur with a chasm of five years between them?

He walked back to his cramped traveling quarters after ascertaining his Lord still did not need his help. Being in Camelot and so near Arthur it seemed laughable how much better he attended to Grocer than he had ever to Arthur, despite the fact that he had little loyalty to Grocer beyond the security of his position and the stability of his income, while Arthur had his heart, then and always.

He stopped short when he found Gwen waiting for him, sitting on his cot. "My Lady requests your attendance." She said standing, then bobbing into a curtsy.

"I don't really know if I should, Gwen." Merlin said, not sure what a conversation between the three of them would look like if there were no visitors to hide behind.

Gwen tilted her head as if to say "Really, Merlin, don't be so dense." With a sudden bout of homesickness he found he could do nothing but follow her.

The Lady Morgana's chambers had changed little since the last he had seen of them, though some of the decorations were new. He was looking at a new tapestry hanging on the wall while Gwen laid out a small mid-day meal for the three of them. "Lovely, isn't it?" Morgana said, appearing by his side. "It was a gift from the last suitor. He had good taste. It's a pity he was caught with the sheep like that."

Merlin laughed, caught off guard by the image. When he could catch his breath, he looked down into her knowing smirk and wondered exactly how she had managed to get the man caught with a sheep. It was something to ask later. "Still unmarried I see." He said instead, returning her smirk, falling back into their comfortable banter as if he had never left.

"Well, when they are all so unsuitable, I find that I have no trouble remaining a maiden." She let out an exaggerated sigh. "I suppose at this rate I'll end up a spinster, with only my maid to keep me company." She looked over at Gwen with naked affection.

"I'm sure you will be terribly lonely." Merlin said.

"I think I'll survive."

Gwen called them over for their meal, sitting down between them. Merlin took the seat furthest from the door but he still felt exposed and could not stop himself from fidgeting and twisting in his seat, mentally planning escape routes from possible attacks.

Morgana and Gwen kept the conversation light and easy while they were eating. Trying to prompt Merlin into sharing what he had been doing while he was gone, they shared their own stories: court intrigues and pranks played on Arthur, news of Camelot's own battles and attacks by magical creatures that Arthur and the knights fended off. It had not been an easy time for Camelot while he was gone, but, at the same time, it was mostly the same as he left it.

Morgana prompted him out of his musings by leaning towards him and putting her hand over his. "Merlin, you cannot tell me you enjoy working for Lord Grocer. He is a vile man."

"He bought my services from the army. There's little I could do to escape him." Merlin said.

"And yet you left Arthur so easily." Morgana said, and while she said it kindly, it stung. His expression must have given something away, because Morgana waved her words away, and changed the subject. They spent the rest of the afternoon chatting amicably together, and neither asked him about his time away again.

\--

Lord Grocer had been out of his meetings and waiting for Merlin, it seemed, when Merlin walked in the door to his rooms. Grocer looked very pleased. "Ho, ho. My little lost guard returns. Making the rounds in the castle?"

"I've been catching up with people I knew before."

"I'm so glad I could have given you a little reunion." Grocer said. "I've heard you got closer to the Lady Morgana than any man has in years save the King and the Prince." Merlin narrowed his eyes, suddenly suspicious of Grocer's intentions. "I have little eyes and ears all over this castle Merlin. I didn't think you'd expect anything else of me." Grocer walked to one of his trunks and opened it. "I've got a fun job for you tonight, Merlin." Unexpectedly, Grocer waved a bottle of sweet fortified wine in Merlin's face. "Take this to Arthur. I want to two to get reacquainted."

 

"What?" Merlin asked, puzzled.

"I told you I've got eyes and ears all around the castle and I heard that you were more than just a manservant to your former master." Grocer leaned back from Merlin and let his gaze roam up and down. "Not too bad looking. Not sure what a prince would see in you, but not accounting for taste.

"I was never. I don't." Merlin tried but he gave up. He grabbed the bottle Grocer was still waving his in face. "Is there some specific reason you want me to talk to him? To see how the talks are progressing?"

"I just want you to share this wine with your former master. That's all. Now, be a good servant and do as your master bids you."

Merlin rolled his eyes and huffed, but he took the wine with him and left for Arthur's rooms.

\--

Merlin knocked on the doors to Arthur's rooms. A strange young face opened the door to the room. For some reason, Merlin had been expecting Arthur to call him in, as he had when Merlin had lived here before. Now he had a new manservant to open doors for him. Merlin realized he never thought about Arthur replacing him before. The thought hurt, but it was stupid to think that Camelot would stay unchanging, and Arthur had to have a manservant. The one in question quirked his eyebrow at Merlin, asking silently what Merlin's business here was. "I have come with a gift for the Prince." He said it loudly enough that he knew Arthur would be able to hear.

"Jeremy. If it's a tall, skinny man with dark hair, send him away. I do not talk to deserters and betrayers."

"Arthur," Merlin called from the door way refusing to have this conversation with Jeremy as a go between. "I just want to talk. Please. Sire."

Jeremy closed the door in Merlin's face. Merlin slumped down and let his forehead hit the door, one arm hanging loosely at his side, the other still holding the bottle. He did not realize until he door closed in his face that perhaps Arthur would not want to talk to him. He had been so sure he would not be able to talk to Arthur that he hadn't spared any thought about Arthur's feelings. The closed door he was leaning on was certainly a clear sign of Arthur's intent now.

He could not go back to Grocer with this wine. He supposed he could drink it by himself. Well, not really – his tolerance for alcohol was still pathetically low. He could find Gaius and share some with him. Or ingratiate himself amongst the other visiting servants and see what he could learn about the talks. Surely Grocer would like some of that information. Or, he could just lie and give the bottle to someone on the street. Yet Grocer had admitted that he had some spies here and that they were checking in on Merlin. Suddenly he could feel eyes on him, and he shivered. He had been born with magic and had been raised to be careful and suspicious But since entering Grocer's employ he had learned new levels of paranoia.

Before he had a chance to decide what ever he was going to do next, the door opened suddenly and he half fell, half lurched into Arthur's room, his manservant regarding him with haughty distain.

Arthur sat at his table, the last remains of his dinner laid out on the table in front of him. Merlin took his chance to look around the chambers he had known so well five years ago. They were much the same as they had been then. There were a few more items, trinkets really, most likely from visitors whose gifts Arthur could not refuse. Merlin knew that Arthur did not care for much ornamentation himself, unless it was clothes. Arthur was as vain as Morgana. The deep Pendragon red still adorned the bed and the windows, the richness of the color against the cool gray stones speaking more to Arthur's unchanged tastes than anything else in the room.

"So you came to –" Arthur said as Merlin started, "Arthur, I-" They both stopped and Arthur glared at Merlin. Merlin weakly held up the bottle of port given to him by Grocer as a peace offering. Arthur smiled weakly at the bottle; Merlin knew he liked his liquor, and he could take credit for it as a peace offering between them. Except he still was not sure why Grocer wanted Merlin to ingratiate himself with the Prince once more and it could be dangerous to play into Grocer's hands, so Merlin said, "Technically, this comes from My Lord." Arthur's smile pinched a bit while Merlin talked about Grocer. "He's trying to woo you to his side. Or something. I'm not sure, but now he knows we know each other, he's trying to woo you through me."

"So you came anyway." Arthur said, and he was clearly not pleased Merlin was here to talk business under the guise of pleasure. Merlin knew from his time as Arthur's manservant that there was little he disliked more.

"Yes, I came anyway. Because Grocer," Merlin corrected himself. "Lord Grocer is paranoid enough to be having me followed, so he would know if I didn't go. And…I decided that if I told you upfront that my Lord was trying to get your sympathetic ear you could decide for yourself if you wanted to give it, but we could still share the port."

"There is no point to letting it go to waste." Arthur said. His eyes flicked between Merlin who still stood near the doorway and the bottle in his hands. He was obviously tempted by something, and Merlin doubted it was the wine. He was not sure where he stood with Arthur at the moment – he had been a prat at the feast, but he had not actually seemed truly angry. An angry Arthur would have never bothered talking to him in the first place. Thinking back to what Gaius had said earlier about Arthur searching for him long after he had left Camelot, Merlin realized that maybe if the affection still held there would be room to be forgiven by Arthur while he was here. It was more than he expected from this trip to Camelot.

"Jeremey, you can leave for the night. I won't need you any longer." Arthur said. Jeremey bowed and left the room, silently closing the door.

Merlin did not feel like he could breathe until the door was closed. Once it was he grabbed the knife from the shoulder holster he had under his shirt and, ignoring Arthur's raised eyebrows, broke the wax seal on the bottle before he uncorked it. He walked over to Arthur to hand him the bottle.

They passed the bottle back and forth between them, foregoing the nicety of using cups. The port was sweeter than Merlin preferred but he drank it anyway. He found he was happy to spend this much time with Arthur again. They had done this in the past, more and more frequently the longer Merlin continued in his service. Tonight, if he did not think too hard – an easy task as the contents of the bottle disappeared – he could almost pretend as if the intervening five years had not happened. Arthur complained about the visiting nobles and their causes. Merlin shared his opinions on what he had noticed during the feast. They skirted around their missing time, around Merlin's reasons for leaving, and around how Arthur felt about being abandoned. Their conversation, for all its friendliness, could not stand up to those topics right now.

At some point they moved closer to the fire, the bear skin carpet warm and soft, the bottle almost empty. As it always had in the past, as the bottle drew closer to empty, they drew closer to each other until Merlin could feel Arthur's breath on his neck as he looked towards the fire. Merlin had lain with other men during his time in the war and with the occasional prostitute after his elevation in position to Lord Grocer's household, but he had not felt the spark of intimacy since the last time he and Arthur had been together, the night Merlin left Camelot.

Then, like now, Merlin was not what force pulled them together until he was kissing Arthur, his tongue sliding against Arthur's teeth and into his mouth. Arthur's soft lips pushing against Merlin's own.

Arthur was the one to break the kiss first. He pulled back and rested his forehead against Merlin's. "Five years Merlin." He said, breathing deeply. "You left me, with no word, for five years."

"I had to Arthur. I can't explain, but I had to." Merlin said, as honestly as he dared to speak right now. Arthur knew that Merlin could barely hold back from him when they were together like this, and now he wondered if he had been played from the beginning of the evening. If he had not produced the port, would Arthur have ordered wine from the cellars? Merlin wanted to care, he felt like he should be angry at Arthur for possibly manipulating him, but he was the one who had left all those years ago. He was the one whose fault it was they were here now with recriminations between each other. Arthur pulled back more to look him in the eyes and Merlin repeated, "I had to. It was hard for me too."

Arthur surged forward for another kiss, knocking Merlin back onto the rug, the empty bottle rolling away from them on the flagstones. "Fuck you." Arthur said against his lips, still kissing him. "I don't care if it was hard for you. You left me, you idiot."

"I'm sorry." Merlin managed to get out. "Arthur?" Merlin said around their kisses, his hand sliding down Arthur's back to his waist.

"Yes?" Arthur breathed into the word.

Merlin worked his hand under Arthur's waist band, and said, "I don't really want to talk about this right now." Arthur tried to pull back a little, an almost naked, for Arthur anyway, hurt expression on his face, but Merlin worked his way all the way under Arthur's trousers and grabbed his length. By this time it was mostly hard, and bent down in his trousers. Merlin righted it, and then started to slowly work his hand up and down the shaft. Whatever Arthur had wanted to say to Merlin was lost in his gasp of breath. If Merlin had his way, they would never have the discussion before he left Camelot again.

Both fought the other for control the whole way through, pent up desire keeping their argument expressed in bruising kisses and nails raking down backs. They tumbled, fought, and fucked until they lay next to each other, naked and exhausted, on the rug. Neither wanted to talk, to break the almost truce they had wrested from each other during sex, because they knew it was fragile.

Merlin left the room in silence. Unlike before, he could not pretend to be serving his master in the early hours of the morning to explain his presence. Instead, he wound his way through the halls of Camelot until he reached Grocer's guest chambers. He knew he should report to him before he went to bed.

He was about to knock on the door to Grocer's chambers when he heard two voices inside. Normally, he would announce himself, but he also heard, pressed so closely to the door, Grocer say, "with Uther dead, each kingdom will blame the other."

He heard a familiar voice say, "Someone's at the door" as it opened up in front of him. His hand was still held up preparing to knock.

Grocer paused, and said. "Ah, Merlin, come in."

Caught listening, he had to come in. "We were just discussing you." He said with an arrogant smile, gesturing towards Gareth, the captain of Grocer's mercenary guard. Merlin did not like Grocer, nor did he trust him, but Merlin wasn't particularly afraid of him. Gareth was a different story. Merlin had seen him fight – he had a joy in the brutality and the death that even now did not sit well with Merlin.

Gareth spoke, "We need Uther to be killed by something that is obviously magical, but not traceable back to anyone specifically." These types of assassinations were a favorite of Grocer's, one reason he found Merlin so valuable.

Grocer filled in, "I hope you enjoyed your visit with the prince." And he winked at Merlin to let him know that he knew exactly how close Merlin was to the Prince. "Did he enjoy the port?" Merlin nodded. "Good. Now I need to you to get close enough to Uther to kill him with, I don't know, a flashy spell." He looked proudly at Merlin. "Who would have thought you would help my plans along so well?"

Merlin felt like an idiot because he now saw why Grocer had been so concerned with being involved in these talks. He already knew a prolonged war only profited Grocer. He could also see that a magical assassination could easily draw Camelot into the war as well. With no evidence, everyone would accuse everyone else. The war would only grow and Grocer would profit. He hated politics.

Grocer goaded him. "Surely, you have no love for Uther. He would kill you with no provocation, merely because of your talents."

Merlin kept his face as blank as possible and bowed lowly. "I have no problems fulfilling your request." When he unbent, both Grocer and Gareth were regarding him with suspiciously blank faces. They needed his talents – Grocer had no other sorcerers in his household – but they did not like relying on him for this. Especially not now that they knew he had lived here, had friends here.

Merlin couldn't help but think that they were right to be suspicious.

\--

Merlin walked back to his sleeping pallet in the servant's chambers, where he pretended to get ready for bed. He quickly whispered two spells, one to create the illusion of him sleeping in his bed, the second to render the real him unnoticeable. He had no doubt that the spies Grocer had on him, now that he knew they were there to make sure he did this job, would need to be carefully avoided from here on out.

He ran to Arthur's chambers and entered quietly, and in the dark of the room waved away the obfuscating spell. He shook Arthur on the shoulder, gently, to wake him. Arthur woke as he always did when he was not expecting anyone: almost immediately alert. He was grabbing for his sword near the opposite edge of the bed when Merlin said, "Shh, Arthur it's me. Arthur, Arthur."

Arthur turned and really looked at him for a moment, trying to make out if it was really Merlin in the darkness, then he stopped grasping for his sword and crossed his arms in front of his chest and said, "This better be very good, Merlin."

Merlin, never know for his tact, said, "Grocer wants me to kill your father."

"You?" Arthur's voice was rich with disbelief but he looked thoughtful in the half light of the room lit only by moonlight. "We thought he was going to try something like this, but seriously, is he so badly off that he uses you as an incompetent bodyguard and assassin?"

"What? What?" Merlin said, sputtering. "Yes, because this is all about my lack of abilities and not the fact that Grocer is trying to kill your father." Merlin grabbed his hair in frustration.

"Isn't that Lord Grocer, now?" Arthur said, snidely.

"I was never that good at using titles, anyways." Merlin said waving away Arthur's jealously and prattishness. Arthur seemed to be making this about everything but his father. "Could we get back to the part we're I've been ordered to kill your father?" Merlin asked, his voice rising at the end.

Arthur clamped his hand over Merlin's mouth to shut him up, and because Merlin was stupid for Arthur, always, he took a deep breath in to smell Arthur's scent. "I already said we thought something like this would happen. Even King Centred knows Grocer has no loyalty to anyone expect himself." Merlin narrowed his eyes at Arthur. "Yes, they all really knew. You're the one who works with the man. And if you don't think that made you even more suspect then merely being a run away servant, then you are more stupid than even I gave you credit for."

"I can't believe you knew he was going to kill King Uther and yet you let him in the castle."

"We didn't know who he was going to kill, exactly, so much that he was going to try to disturb the proceedings, in a way to his advantage. After the attack on the first night, it seemed to be working, even if everyone knows it is Grocer doing it. King Gylen wanted to use the weakness of King Centred being his liege against him, and we've been trying to get them to sit down to talks again since." Arthur clapped him on the back. "Perhaps, with you willing to speak against Lord Grocer, and as a former member of my household, your word will hold something in court. We may even get him out of the way soon and these peace talks can really happen."

Merlin started to reply but Arthur cut him off, putting his hand back over Merlin's mouth. He pushed Merlin to the side, smoothly reaching back to the other side of his bed for his sword and then walked, sword in hand, to the door. Merlin knew Arthur had heard something and he willed himself calm, trying to hear something other than the blood rushing in his ears. After a few slow breaths, he could hear someone on the other side of the door.

Arthur waved his hands around, and Merlin intuited more from experience than any ability to read Arthur's cryptic hand signals he was to open the door at the count of three, to let Arthur catch the person on the other side. Arthur held up one, then two, then three fingers and Merlin opened the doors, hoping that it was a servant or even just an unusually large rat.

Merlin watched helplessly as Arthur was thrown across the room by a bright light. He knocked against the far wall with a thud and slid down. A man entered followed by a blue glowing light, illuminating the room, and throwing shifting shadows into the corners. "There are you Merlin. Lord Grocer is very unhappy with you. I think he doubts your loyalty." Another sorcerer. In Grocer's employ. Merlin was the only sorcerer in Grocer's household but Grocer employed others to manufacture spells – like the one used at the feast. Merlin was an idiot. He should have known immediately once he knew Grocer was behind the attacks at the feast that there could be another sorcerer in Camelot. One talented in scrying would have seen through Merlin's obfuscating spells and known Merlin had gone right to Arthur's room.

"I'm not really happy with Lord Grocer either. Perhaps we should terminate my contract."  
"I don't really think that's an option here." The other sorcerer said, turning towards Merlin. The man raised his hand and said a spell clearly. It gave Merlin enough time to dodge out of the way and close the door with a thought. It was just like old times, with Arthur conveniently unconscious on the floor, and Merlin secretly fighting a sorcerer and hoping no one else would see. Though this time, if he did survive, Grocer would make sure everyone knew the truth about him and he would have to leave Camelot regardless. Not that he was planning on staying.

Merlin cast a spell back towards the sorcerer who managed to shield himself from the brunt of it. Enough of it hit its mark that the other man was winded and obviously hurting when he cast his counter spell. Merlin, who was still fresh and likely more powerful to begin with, countered the spell at the same time the man said it, the power building between them disappearing in a blink. While the other man began to whisper again, Merlin wrapped his magic around one of the halberds that decorated the wall above the fireplace. He used his magic to hurl it through the man's and into the floor behind him. The man clutched at the butt of the halberd sticking out from his chest and tried to will a ball of energy into this hand, but it flickered and faded as the body slowly slid down the shaft. Merlin walked over to the man and checked his breath to make sure he was dead.

Merlin took a fortifying breath and was about to turn to examine Arthur when he heard him say, "Sorcerer." Merlin whipped around and turned to see Arthur, shakily standing up, sword still in his hand. "You're a fucking sorcerer."

Merlin nodded. "I wanted -"

"No, shut up. You don't even get to talk to me unless I say so." Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose. "That's why you left Camelot?" Arthur said, and Merlin could tell that everything that had never quite added up about Merlin was slotting into place in Arthur's mind. "You've been a traitor from the first day you arrived at Camelot." Arthur said and the sting of the words went deeper than Merlin expected them to.

"It's not the only reason I left."

"I can't- Morgana- I- " Arthur shook his head as if to clear his own thoughts, and looked back to the body cooling on the floor. "I don't suppose you can do anything about this body?" He asked instead.

"What, make it disappear?" Arthur nodded. "I could make it appear not to be here, but the body would remain."

"You never managed to make other things disappear, then? Just yourself?" Arthur said. Merlin let his accusations roll off him as he stared at the body.

Instead of replying, Merlin said, "This was how Grocer was spying on me. I didn't know he had another sorcerer in Camelot." It seemed, no matter how angry Arthur was at him in the moment, his first concern was for Camelot and its safety. That much was evident in the way Arthur was sizing up the situation, beyond the revelations about Merlin's powers. He was looking at an attempted assassination, and a war profiteer who was bringing in paid sorcerers and assassins into Camelot to wreak havoc.

Arthur hummed at him, clearly thinking about what he was going to do next. "We need to get Gaius here, and my father. Right now we'll tell him that we fought him both, and he died from the pike."

"Did you miss the part where I'm a sorcerer?" Merlin asked. "That I'm a traitor in your kingdom, and that by all rights I should be dead by now? What are you going to do about me?"

"I'll deal with that later. But right now we need to focus with the bigger threat and arrest Lord Grocer and his men." Arthur paused and righted himself. "You, wake Gaius and bring him here. I'll alert my guards and my father."

By the time Merlin made it to Gaius' and back with the old man in tow, he was not surprised to see a few guards outside Arthur's door. "The Prince told me to fetch the Court Physician." One guard nodded and opened the door wide enough for both men to walk in single file.

The body was still in its obscene pose, eyes staring blankly at the ceiling and hand still clutching at the pike shaft. Next to it stood the King and a hastily dressed Arthur. They were discussing Lord Grocer. Merlin and Gaius waited for the King to notice them. Uther waved Gaius over to the body, and Gaius began inspecting him.

"He's well and truly dead, Sire," Gaius said, standing up. "I did find these on him." He said, holding up a small pouch. He opened it and looked at the herbs. Merlin saw they were the ones used in conjunction with an invisibility spell.

"He must have used that to get into the feasting hall the other night." Merlin said, from beside the body, poking through the bundle. It explained how a magical weapon had been in there, and who had made it for Grocer.

"Sorcerery." Uther said with the same scorn and hatred Merlin had heard from him a thousand times. Uther's eyes focused on Merlin for the first time since he had reentered the room. "How do you know such things?"

Beside him, Arthur stiffened while Merlin said, "this is a common spell used on the battlefields."

Gaius continued to inspect the body. The other sorcerer was wearing Lord Grocer's signet ring on a chain around his neck. Merlin had never worn anything that could give his employer away if he had been killed or incapacitated. It was the overly confident mistake of an unpracticed, incompetent assassin. Obviously, he had not thought it was a possibility that he would captured or killed. He was, oddly, disappointed in Grocer for employing someone so incompetent. Or worse, not even realizing how incompetent the dead sorcerer had been.

The signet ring was all the evidence the King needed to prove Grocer's involvement. He nodded at the head of the Guard who was waiting on his command. He left with the other guards who had gathered in the room – no doubt everyone, regardless of innocence, in Grocer's household was going to be arrested.

When the guards had left Uther turned his attention to Merlin. "It appears as if you have helped Arthur against your own household. While it shows a lack of loyalty I am not surprised by, considering your flight from this household, I do believe we can trust your word about Lord Grocer and his activities."

"Yes, your Majesty." Merlin said, keeping his head bowed under Uther's glare. He deserved to have his trust doubted, but it still scalded like the touch of boiling water to be called disloyal. He was more loyal to Camelot than anyone like him should ever be, and it only had brought him heartache.

Two of the remaining guards followed Gaius down to his chambers, the body laid out on a stretcher between them. The last of the guards stayed in the room as Uther and Arthur discussed how they were going to use Gorcer's capture as a way to move the negotiations between the visiting courts forward. Merlin floated around the room, unsure of what to do. Finally, he fell back into his old habits from his time as Arthur's manservant and started the fire again from the embers in the fireplace. He neatened what had been tossed aside in the fight and ordered one of the servants to get the cleaning supplies to clean up the blood and mess left from the attempted assassination.

He was laying down the sawdust to soak up the bulk of the blood with another servant when the second-in-command of the guards ran into the room. He bowed. "Sire." He said, addressing the King.

"Speak."

"Lord Grocer, along with most of his household, has already fled. We have sent out riders to the countryside to try and catch him."

Uther looked long and hard at Merlin, no doubt wondering if he was a traitor again, but said nothing to him. Arthur was harder to read. If Merlin did not know better, he would have thought Arthur's expression held something like fierce loyalty, but Merlin knew he did not deserve it and was not sure he even wanted it.

Arthur and Uther talked about what to do with those remaining after Grocer fled, and Merlin continued to clean the blood off the floor. Sometime later Arthur tapped him on the should and told him to go to sleep. When Merlin pointed out he had no room left to go to since the visiting servants chambers were being searched, Arthur asked one of the other servants to bring in a pallet and made Merlin go to sleep there as a gray light dawned in the eastern sky.

\--

Despite Arthur and Merlin's best efforts, they were both awoken only a few hours later when Arthur's manservant brought in Arthur's breakfast. Merlin fought the urge to bury his head under his pillow and continue sleeping. He knew that there was a chance he would be needed today. His only consolation was that Arthur looked even less happy to be awake than him. Merlin stood up, and out of force of habit he supposed, helped Arthur dress for the day, while the new manservant looked on.

How quickly he fell back into being whatever Arthur needed of him in the moment. Realizing what he was doing, he withdrew from Arthur after helping him on with his red jacket and went to ready himself for the day and let Arthur's true manservant do his job.

He listened to Arthur give his manservant a list of what to do today, much of it the same mindless tasks Merlin remembered from his time as a servant in Camelot. At some point, he must have waved the other servant away because he turned to Merlin and said, "You should go to Gaius and see if he needs help with the body, and the investigation. Stay on the grounds of the castle and we should be calling for your testimony later in the day."

He testified later on, leaving out anything about his magic in front of dour looking men from the three courts and their retinues. The only reason Merlin was not nervous was the knowledge that if Grocer was found, he would be executed. He could think of fewer men who he would like to see dead.

\--

The next few days passed in a blur. Merlin was not required by any court to do anything, yet between his two old masters in Camelot, Gaius and Arthur, he somehow managed to be busy the whole time. Arthur was not talking to him beyond giving him orders, but seemed very little inclined to turn him in as a sorcerer. The peace negotiations proceeded without incident. Centred had taken a bit of a hit in the beginning since Lord Grocer was his vassal, but the advantage was soon forgotten amidst the other political machinations of the talks.

From what little Merlin was present for, he was impressed by both Uther and Arthur's ability to woo, plead, and bully the other courts in to doing what was right for their people. He knew Arthur wanted to do right by all the people of Albion – he had seen that personally in Ealdor and then later in expeditions to other lands when he attended Arthur – but he was surprised Uther was so interested in the peace. He knew Uther was desperate to end the magical warfare both sides were engaged in, but he honestly seemed keen in settling an agreement that would win both sides honor and help the peasants who had suffered the most. He still did not like or trust Uther, but he saw perhaps what others non-magical people saw in their king.

What did seem to slow the negotiations was when each day the guards came back empty-handed. Grocer and his household could not have left the lands surrounding Camelot – the guards would have caught them the night of their escape. That meant they had to be somewhere nearby. Merlin thought that Grocer most likely was employing another sorcerer, or at least was using a spell made by his dead sorcerer to help hide him and his men.

\--

Camelot did not exactly have its guard down when Grocer and his men attacked, but after days of thinking them escaped it was more of a surprise than it should have been to anyone in the castle.

Before the attack he was with Gaius and Gwen in Gaius' chambers, having tea and talking about nothing important. Gaius was fussing over a healthy child, sequestered from his siblings who had come down with a pox. Gwen was holding the baby as he slept, leaving Gaius to serve tea.

Eventually, Gaius had to leave to tend to a few of his patients in the castle, leaving Gwen and Merlin to watch the baby and talk privately. "Merlin can I ask what happened to you in the last few years? I know you haven't wanted to talk about it." She stopped to a moment to fuss over the baby. "I would like to hear it from you, and not from that horrible man you were working for. I take it, you fought in the war?"

"That's nothing special. I fought like all able, young men did." Merlin stopped to think about his days caring a pike, surviving only because of his magic and Arthur's sadistic streak. "Lord Grocer, he actually rescued me. I had a reputation for surviving on the battlefield, and he recognized, talents in me, I guess. He bought me off my commander."

"So, he wasn't all bad?" Gwen asked.

"No, not all bad. He probably saved me from a certain bloody death. I had survived longer than the average pikeman, but it was still only a matter of time before I died. I can't deflect every swing of a sword." Or he could, Merlin thought, but it would only be so long before he stopped caring about surviving another day and let a sword hit him. Or worse, stopped caring about who he hurt in and out of battle and lost himself to his magic and rage.

His hands had started to shake and Gwen held Merlin's with her free hand, holding the baby to her more tightly. "I'm truly sorry, Merlin." He could tell that she was serious. She looked up at him, her voice full of sadness. "Why? Why, did you leave Camelot?"

Merlin stopped, because how could he talk about this? "Do you believe in destiny, Gwen?"

Gwen paused a moment, obviously not knowing where Merlin was headed, but she said, "as in, what will happen to everyone is in the stars? That kind of destiny?" He nodded and she paused to collect her thoughts. "I believe there are certain roles which we are born to. This child, he's the son of a minor noble who is visiting the castle with his family. He is born into a role, the youngest son of a large family. He'll have certain obligations and roles to play in his life. He'll have privileges of his birth as well as limitations. He cannot escape them." She looked him in the eye, with a hardness that reminded him of Morgana. "Only if he ran away, tried to escape everything in his life, both the privileges and the obligations, would he be free of his destiny." Gwen stood up and held out the sleeping baby, whose face pulled into a moue at the sudden cold away from Gwen's body. "Take him, Merlin."

Merlin, who had held babies before in Ealdor, took the infant, and secured him to his chest, holding the child's head in the crook of his arm.

"Sometimes." She looked at Merlin, and then turned away, towards the window and looked up at the light coming in from outside. "Sometimes, Morgana." She tried again. "Morgana has dreams. Nightmares, as everyone in the castle knows. Often they're horrible, so bad she wakes up screaming and screaming. She doesn't know who she is, or where she is. She's still half stuck in her dreams." Gwen gave a small shudder. "And sometimes, they come true. Horrible as they are. And we lose knights, or a village. She used to tell Gaius, or sometimes you." Gwen turned around briefly to look him in the eye, and Merlin knew she was no longer telling him a secret, but talking about what both of them already knew. "When you left, she stopped taking Gaius' potions, though he still brews them for her and she still pretends to take them. It's a game they play, I think. It comforts Gaius." She shook her head. "Instead, she turned to Arthur. She trusted him with her dreams and their horrible knowledge, and he, he took pains to change them. Sometimes they still come true, but more often then not, the terrible deaths and horrors she dreams, do not happen." She turned around and walked over to him again. She leaned down and kissed the baby on his forehead. "I think that our destiny is partly there before we are born, but what we make of it afterwards is of our own making. Like his will be."

The baby awoke at Gwen's kiss and rubbed his eyes with his hands. Merlin expected him to fuss, but instead he looked up into Merlin's eyes and Merlin found himself lost. He could see the potential of the child, the many roads his life and his choices could take him down. There was something fixed in him, yes, but there was so much that could change as well. And Merlin understood what Gwen was trying to tell him: that he was stupid for running away, that it changed everything and nothing at the same time. Merlin and Arthur were neither of them the same when he left, but he still felt the connection of a shared destiny, and, if he was to be honest with himself, a love so deep and so separate from that destiny he realized he had been a fool five years ago. He could have disliked Arthur as much as he had that first day and still worked with him to create a united Albion and bring magic back to its rightful place.

Merlin held out his finger, and the baby smiled at him grasping at the finger, in his strong, small hand, and pulling it towards him. Merlin smiled up at Gwen. "I was an idiot for leaving."

"I'm sure you thought you had a good reason for leaving at the time. But you were still an idiot. Arthur's always had that right."

"Hey." He said, feigning hurt.

Gwen walked over towards him to pick up the baby, and kissed Merlin, softly, on the lips. "Please, before you decide to leave, talk to Arthur once more."

"I promise I'll try, Gwen. But he has to be willing to listen to me."

"I'm sure he will." She said as she placed the baby into his rocking basinet, and started rocking him to sleep again.

They heard shouting in the halls and in the courtyard below. Merlin peeked out the door, and called to a guard rushing down the hallway down the stairs from Gaius' rooms. "What's happening?"

"Camelot is under attack by the fugitive and his men. Stay in your rooms." He called back, pausing only long enough to look at Merlin and disregard him as aid in the fight.

When he looked back Gwen mouth was a grim line. "Stay here. Don't let anyone in." He said.

She looked at the baby and then back to him, nodding. Leaving the baby in his basinet, she moved towards Gaius' supply of bandages and other first aid supplies and started prepping them. Knowing that Gwen could take care of herself and any who she found needing care, he ran down the stairs to see what he could do.

He ran to the courtyard, and found it almost empty save for a few people pressed against the far walls, and one dead body, a man he recognized from Grocer's household. He heard shouts from within the castle and realized the fight had, somehow, moved inside. He followed to where he thought the voices were coming from.

It did not surprise him that he ran into Arthur first. It was, when he lived here previously, the kind of luck that had saved Arthur's life a few dozen times. When Arthur saw him running towards him, Merlin noticed a range of emotions cross his face. Anger, caution, fear, affection, and finally the same willingness to direct and lead he had with the knights. Merlin fell in behind Arthur as they ran down the hallway, away from a few knights Arthur had pointed in the other direction.

Arthur spoke as they ran. "It's not a surprise. When you're around this always seems to happen. Five years of peace, Merlin. Now you're back and there's an attempt on my Father's life and the castle has been breached by traitors."

"I was thinking the same thing, but in my version it only happens when you're around." Merlin snapped back, easily falling into their old banter. Thinking back on the conversation he just had with Gwen, with particular emphasis on Arthur's choice to work with Morgana and her magic to help his kingdom, he decided to try to make peace. If there was one thing he was learning at these talks, it was the importance of setting aside pride to ease negotiations. "Truth is, I missed it."

If he didn't know better, he would have thought Arthur almost stumbled at that. "I didn't realize you were so soft for these life and death moments."

If he was going to do it, Merlin thought, he was going to commit to it all the way. "If I am, it's only by association. I'm always falling into them with you, and I love you."

What Arthur was going to say, Merlin did not find out because Arthur rounded the corner and Merlin heard the sudden clash of swords before he turned the corner and saw Arthur fighting a lone swordsman. Arthur called out "I think they're headed to the throne room." Merlin ran on ahead, knowing Arthur could handle himself against one person with a sword. Before he ran up the stairs ahead of him, he glanced back in time to see Arthur neatly cleave the other man in two.

He could hear Arthur running up the staircase behind him, the steady clinking of the armor and Arthur's gait, sounds he remembered vividly from before. When he reached the top, ahead of him were two of Grocer's men aiming crossbows at him. Knowing no one but Arthur was there to see him, he threw his hand out in front of him, freezing the bolts in the air just as they were unleashed from the bows. Silently, they turned back toward the men who had fired them and killed them both.

Merlin and Arthur ran the rest of the way to the throne room and encountered no one else. When they arrived at the throne room door, they saw it was blown open and covered with a sticky magical residue Merlin recognized as the remnants of a kind of spells created by sorcerers, and occasionally by Merlin for Grocer, for ordinary soldiers. It was a stock spell anchored by herbs and charms in a bundle of cloth that could be activated with a few simple words by even the most magically disinclined persons. Grocer was very enamored of them – he liked to say that they leveled the playing field. Merlin did not like them much because they were more indiscriminate then any other types of magical attacks, not only killing anyone and anything nearby the bundle when it was thrown, but also because of the residue left behind. It hindered growth of new life long after the spell was gone and was one of the reasons for the massive destruction of the war the kings here were trying to end.

Before he could run into the room, Merlin grabbed Arthur's arm. "I have to say this now, or I might never get a chance. I ran away for of a lot of reasons. The magic was only one." He ran a hand through his hair. "I thought I was tricked into loving you because it was our destiny to be together. My destiny is to be by your side and help you become the greatest of kings. I could not stand the idea that we loved each other because we were supposed to. But what I felt, feel, for you are my own feelings, and they nothing to do with destiny. You could call it a perk, I guess."

"I can't believe you think this is the time to tell me that." Arthur said, exasperation obvious in his voice.

Merlin leant forward and said, "I think we already established that I like these life and death situations a little more than I should." He kissed Arthur on the mouth.

Arthur kissed back, leaning forward to press his whole body against Merlin's. He pulled away, panting, and said, "When this is over, we'll talk. But right now, we have to save these negotiations and stop Lord Grocer."

Arthur peeked his head around the door's threshold to look in the throne room, and quickly memorized the layout of the battle to come. "My father's behind the throne with the other kings and some knights at the far end of the room. There are some of Camelot's knights by the door, and Grocer, and maybe a few of his men are by the windows opposite the door, hidden by the table, which is overturned." The room and the players now firmly in Merlin's head, Arthur continued; "I'll head towards my father, using the other knights as a wall, to see if he is hurt. You head towards the other end of the room and see if you can get close enough to Grocer to stop him. Or any lethal magic he may use."

Merlin was about to say something but Arthur cut in again. "You can use magic, and I will protect you. No one can afford to stop these negotiations and I trust you do to right."

Merlin nodded.

They entered the room. Arthur running towards his Father and Merlin to the other side of the room. Grocer noticed them both enter, but seemed more interested in Merlin as he ran towards the cover of a pillar.

"Merlin, you old traitor. So glad you could join us." Grocer said with false joviality.

"Well you know, I hate to miss a party. And it looks like you've got a good one going here." Merlin glanced over towards Arthur and noticed that he was rolling his eyes. Amusingly, it seemed Uther was trying to keep himself from doing the same thing. Merlin smiled briefly at Arthur, and moved his attention back to Grocer.

"We couldn't start the party without you." Grocer shouted back.

Grocer let loose a crossbow bolt aimed at Merlin and Merlin slowed down time just enough to dodge out of the way. The bolt bounced harmlessly off the stone pillar where Merlin had been. He ran behind a chair and ducked down. "Is that what you call aim, Lord?"

Grocer ticked his tongue. "Wicked boy, using your tricks, like that. That's cheating."

Merlin glanced over the edge of the chair and watched the frozen tableau. Grocer's men were waiting for his orders, but he was occupied with seeking revenge against Merlin. Camelot's knights were waiting for Arthur's orders to fire their own crossbows. Arthur seemed to be waiting for Merlin's move. He could not figure out why Arthur was hinging this fight on him, but his trust in Merlin gave Merlin the strength to beat Grocer. Turning his focus back to the outlaw, Merlin noticed he was about to lob another one of the magical bundles. Merlin knew that in the next moment he had one chance to stop Grocer. He reached into his holster on his shoulder under his tunic for his knife. It was a simple throwing dagger but Merlin was actually very good with knives now.

Merlin ducked behind his chair again and unsheathed his dagger. He called to Grocer again. "My Lord?"

"Yes, you bastard of a loose bitch." He called out, lightly, as if they were joking in a tavern over ale and not fighting to the death.

"Please consider this my resignation." Merlin stood up. Grocer stood up at the same time, already incanting the spell before he threw the bundle, but Merlin unleashed the dagger and threw it true. It crossed the room faster than Merlin could track and embedded itself in Grocer's throat. He tried to finish incanting the spell, not fully recognizing what was happening, but no words would come out of his mouth, only blood.

Grocer fell down to the ground, the spell bundle falling harmlessly from his hands, and the room erupted into violence. Merlin sunk down behind the chair and heard Arthur shouting orders at his knights. Swords clashed and men yelled. Knowing he would have to face the melee, he peered over the chair to look for a weapon he could use in King Uther's court. One of Grocer's men was near him. Merlin tripped him and the knight he was fighting finished him off quickly. Merlin grabbed the sword from the dying man's hands and fell to attacking old "friends" with renewed energy.

The fight was short after Arthur gave the orders to attack. Merlin managed to fend off a few men, but the knights did the rest of the rounding up. Grocer's men were unwilling to give up and face trial, and to the last man they were killed. Merlin mourned none of them.

"I've heard you've recently become unemployed. I was wondering if you've had any offers of new positions?" Arthur said, walking up to him after the battle.

"A servant who kills his Lord doesn't have too many new jobs on offer."

"Nor does one who tends to run away from his master either." Arthur mused. "But, I have to admit, that I have this bad habit."

"You, a bad habit? Gods forefend." Merlin interpreted.

"Only the one, really. I seem to have a weakness for servants who are, by all common sense, the exactly wrong sort of person to be serving me."

"Oh, yes?" Merlin said, hope blooming in his chest. "Like they tend to run away, or perhaps they may have killed an employer of theirs in the past?"

"Well, not all employers are as beneficent as I am." Arthur scowled. "Some are truly evil." He looked back to Merlin. "You see it's tragic really. I seem to like the kind who talk back, who ask questions instead of taking orders. One who can hold his own in battle."

"And if this advisor also had, some, questionable abilities. Perhaps ones that were frowned upon by the King of the country."

"Then I would have to make sure he did not use them unadvisedly, but only in ways that would benefit everyone in the kingdom." Arthur's face turned serious. "I would protect you from the laws of this country, if it came to it. I have protected Morgana. And I can barely tolerate her." He grinned.

"Arthur, I-" Merlin began but stopped as he thought about how much he had missed Arthur these last few years, how much he knew he belonged here and how much he fought it in the past. "Arthur. You know I love you and I want to be by your side in whatever way I can."

Arthur paid no attention to anyone else in the room, and laid a small kiss on the outside corner of Merlin's mouth. "I love you too," he whispered. "I've been thinking about promoting you, because I've actually got a manservant who can clean my chambers, and as much as I care for you, you are never touching my laundry again." Merlin let Arthur ramble on as he followed him through the hallways of Camelot knowing he and Arthur would never be separated again.


End file.
